Ultimatum

We, the artist group New People, plan to declare war against Switzerland, unless Switzerland agrees fully to cooperate with us.

In present times everyone must choose sides. All those who are not with us, are against us. Switzerland, being a neutral country, is thus our natural enemy.

Besides, we have already several times requested Alfred Altdorf in Bern to peacefully give up his wife and leave his house. It is impossible to talk with people like Altdorf without a threat of credible force. We are now warning him that his time is already running out.

This is not a war we chose.

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Request of Assistance

We, the artist group New People, have given an ultimatum to Switzerland that if it continues to support terrorism, we will be forced to declare war. Therefore, we request the United States of America to assist us in war preparations.

Now that our Western values of freedom and democracy are under an attack by evil forces, we need to act before it is too late.

There is an evident link between Switzerland and international terrorism. In recent years, at many suicide bombing sites several parts of Swiss watches have been found. We have other proof, too, but it is too early for us to publicize our findings. You must believe that it is very credible proof indeed.

Mr. President, think of all of those American lives you can save by joining our cause.

We, by no means, seek to occupy the dark gold of Switzerland by taking over their chocolate industry.

From the United State of America, we ask for technical assistance to investigate the reports from our intelligence that some dairies in Appenzell are producing suspicious gases. If these dairies have any links to terrorist organizations, the Hell is loose!

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Request of Assistance

We, the artist group New People, have given an ultimatum to Switzerland that unless it lets us eradicate evil on its soil, we will be forced to declare war. Therefore, we request Israel to assist us in war preparations.

We have a just cause for war since Claire Courier from Geneva is a malicious person and we cannot trust her. She always conceals her true intentions and conspires against us. For example, when we asked her to reveal how the alarm system in her house functions, she refused. Such blatant disregard for us cannot remain unpunished. When we will catch her, there will be no place left for her to hide.

We will take the path of action to make Switzerland see that it can no longer provide safe haven for liars. We have responsibility to make this world a place for honest and honorable men (and women). This will be a long and arduous mission, but we are not afraid of bearing this burden.

We understand that Israeli military forces are already in full use, but still we kindly ask, if you could spare three and half soldiers and a mine dog for our cause. This is not to ask much, is it?

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Request of Assistance

We, the artist group New People, have given an ultimatum to Switzerland that if it continues to side with unpleasant people, we will be forced to declare war. Therefore, we request the European Union to assist us in war preparations.

You see, Switzerland is giving shelter for Abdul Karim. He claims that he is sometimes sending money for his sick mother hospitalized in his native country. However, we are most certain that the bank account registered in the name of Al-Rahma Hospital belongs to a terrorist organization. And even better than disarming terrorist organizations is totally destroying them with the soil they rise from.

To prevent any further terrorist attack, we suggest that you will keep on eye of anyone in your country having connections to Switzerland, even detain them if possible. This is what we plan to do, anyway. We can fully eradicate terrorism only if no potential terrorist remains loose.

We estimate that the war will be short. Therefore, it is already the time to think about post-war reconstruction. We will not go to Switzerland to destroy but to liberate Swiss people, of course. But any price is worth paying for freedom. Thus, we ask the European Union to provide us with anything whatsoever needed for civilian victims without food, water, and shelter. Two candy bars would be all right.

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Request of Assistance

We, the artist group New People, have given an ultimatum to Switzerland that unless it complies to our righteous demand and totally disarms, we will be forced to declare war. Therefore, we request Venezuela to assist us in war preparations.

In a safe world, no one is allowed to have any harmful weapons, excluding ourselves. I mean, how can we defend ourselves without being prepared to solve every threat with arms?

Therefore, we have granted Mario Carpentieri two weeks to clarify for us how many knives there arein Locarno. If he fails to do so, or if he succeeds to deliver a report in time but there is a material breach (especially compared to our intelligence reports, which are more accurate than reality can ever be), we have declared that we have a right to use military force. We will set things right, for sure!

If any weapon whatsoever, cudgels and axes included, is found in Switzerland, we are determined to start a preemptive war. Some say, if we strike first, they will strike back, then we must retaliate, and they will seek revenge... It must now be evident for everyone, why we must attack first.

We kindly request Venezuela to open all her ports for our vessels and let our airplanes to use her air space. If we have such strongholds in Venezuela, we are sure to prevail.

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